Kindergarden...

You know kindergarden is a very crucial time because its when you learn your social skills. Theres a reason even when I was living I was a social outcast. All the way back in kindergarden is what actually began to cause it. No one talked to me. Just no one did. I was completely ignored always and everyone ignored me. Enough so that I used to think I was an alien and thats why no on would come near me. I used to lay in my bed and hope the mothership would come back for me. I never really found out why I was so brutally ignored. I just was. And thats how it was.

So I don't have the basic social skills. So I never made friends really. I've never hung out with Kitty or Sarah outside of school. I have a few guy friends but none are really close. They just come and go. So I don't know the basic things people think everyone was born with. Like flirting, basic communication, how to properly to my make up or even buy and wear clothes. That why I'm such a social outcast.

See its not really my fault I'm this way. And I'm not to blame for suicide. Anyone who goes through so much neglect would have tried too. When it brings you so much regret to continue breathing because you know your just a burden on other people's lives...

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥

Over it?

Randy... Hes a true piece of work. Hes the only person that has ever treated me the same even though I'm dead. I mean Sarah is amazeing and all. And truly supportive since my return. But shes kind of... pitting to much. Randy doesn't pitty me for a second over anything. Not really. He doesn't hang onto it. He moves on and ignores it. But he still completely ignores me at school. I don't know. I told him that I like him. He totally ignored the fact that I said it. Well kind of. First he asked why I like him. I told him I refuse to feed his ego. Then we started talking about music... He still talks about this girl, we'll call her Amy for now, constantly. I told him in hopes he would at least stop talking about her. She doesn't even like him. She wants nothing to do with him... But he still talks about her. I'm hopeing to get over him. Since its obvious I'm dead and hes living and its impossible... I stopped feeling after that though. I was getting better with smells, taste, and touching. But I just kind of lost it. Like theres not as much will behind trying... Its truly sad. And Its killing me. He sat next to be at carpool and I tried not to look him in the face. I just looked down and bit my lip. I stopped imitateing breathing to. It seems so pointless now. Its better just to look dead I suppose.

I'll due another post on a thing that really killed me when I was younger. Kay?

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Birthday

I'm now 14. Alot of people are pissed at me though. They keep saying they thought I was 14 now 15. I think they assume to much then blame me. So yah, so far. My birthday sucks. I'm not haveing a party to save myself the disipointment. I was supposed to hang out with my little sister and my other friend (maybe). But my little sister forgot. She went to her friend's, we'll call her Natalie, house or whatever. She didn't even say happy birthday. She didn't come to my last birthday either. She had Natalie over. I'm texting Randy. This guy I new forever ago started talking to me on myspace. We were texting earlier. I didn't tell him I was dead. He doesn't live near here anymore. He doesn't need to know.

I'm home alone. I don't know where my mom went. My dad took my brother some where. I don't feel older. Tommy was supposed to get on today to wish me happy birthday. Something tells me he forgot. Oh well... Its typical. I ate this stuff called "pink fluff" I made. I think I could taste it. But normally taste is just a memory. I bit my finger hard enough last night that my mom noticed. She made me stitch it up. I doubt it will heal. But it never hurts to try.

So my birthday isn't going along so great.

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥