Sur vived

I have survived today without being raped or torn in two...

Yea, I have a way with entering sentences xD

So today I hung out with my two friends Dylan and Brandon whom I have both known since third grade. I have no hung out with either for nearly a year though :( Sad, I know.

Brandon played violin with me in third grade. He was and still is a GIANT to every extent of the word. He called me small fry and teased me. It was a love hate relationship :) He has kinda sorta had a crush on me since then. Or it seems to be.

Dylan, I wasn't really friends with in third grade. I just knew him. I became sorta kinda friends with him in sixth grade when my first boyfriend evar (Tyler ♥ I still adore him) was one of his best friends as well as Brandon's. I had a little crush on him. Yea. I was a dork. In seventh grade when I switched to private schools and grew up a little he started likeing me to. We've been dateing on and off since then :/

So yah, I know what your thinking. My, oh my, Bekki, how on earth did you survive hanging out with these two together at once. Did you bring some friends? Did you cause a distracting? Did you act dead to make them repulsed? No! I did not of those I'm proud to say. Dylan and Brandon are friends, and dispite anything Dylan is or isn't he is always kind to his friends. He talked to me about Brandon likeing me and if I liked him. I told him no. Not for any particular reason other then I just don't like Brandon like that. And me and Brandon have very different views on relationships :) Nothing personal. Dylan did good. He didn't go overboard on PDA not that I thought he would. Yah we flirted, kinda. But more friendly then anything. Dylan and I, I think, will always have a little chemistry. And I know he'll always be around if I need a good friend. If anything from today, I've owned up to a whole new respect for Dylan. Yah, he can be a dick. Yes, he is a semi whore. But he really is a good friend.

So yea, we hung out at the park for awhile. Then when some little kids came, since Dylan and Brandon like to cuss and have in appropreate conversations, not that I mind, I asked if we could walk or something. We did. We walking around and talked for awhile. Ran into two or three of their friends. I politely waved looking as alive as possible. Then we desided to go to Monkey Hill. Yah, yah, I know. "Oh, Bekki. What is this Monkey Hill you speak of? Can we makeout there?" I'm adding in the last part to help my self confidence. No need for a hissy, Jesus. Monkey Hill is an area in this small woods by my house with a series of hills :). Then we walked over to a parkish area, from there we walked to this lake thing that was the cutest thing ever. I'll walk back there sometime and take pictures :)

So yah, I know what your thinking. Why on earth would two guys like you, Bekki. Your not even pretty. Well F you!

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Your eyes are blue like the ocean, and baby I'm lost out at sea.

Lara 01

Like, five days till Christmas. Yay, presents! :) So many people forget why this holiday is actually here. Yes, I am going to go religious on you; however, I am not going to "preach" at you. I am way too smart for that.

Christmas is the holiday to celebrate the Christ, or Jesus', birth. However, few realize Jesus was not born in December at all. Christians -and now others, but with different customs- celebrate Christmas in December because when times were very hard for certain religions as Christians there was a Roman holiday in December and everyone was already celebrating. So they used that holiday as a sort of front. Lovely, isn't it? How many of you actually knew that prior to me telling you. Shut up. Play dumb.

On the topic of presents, my daddy gave me my present early :)

Her name is Lara. Shes a kitty. Shes been hanging around Walmart's loading docks and warehouse :) Shes adoreable ♥. I'm not posting any pictures of her right now. But soon. I promise.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. Tonight, I'll wait until I know you're fast asleep to poison you with memories of you and me. I pray you die slowly, so I can be the last thing you see. Oh you'll see.

Can you say _______?

I smiled at Kitty even though I didn't hear what they said. Everyone else was smiling, I can take a hint. Shes there, a new girl. Not new to the school. New to me. New to me hating her. Shes standing in his presence. Hes smirking at her. Hes looking her over. Hes never looked at me like that. I hate her. Shes handing him something. Telling him he has to put it on. I hear Sarah teasing him, but it all seems to distant to be real. Or maybe I'm the one whose not real. His face starts to tint red. I hate her. Shes flawless, shes perfect. She smiles at him sweetly, flirty. I hate her. He puts it on. A pink Santa's hat. He never does so much to look at me anymore. I hate her. Heather whispers something after she takes him back to the rest of their group. "Can you say whipped?" I hate her. I want to cry. But I can't cry. Even I know that. I put away the food I was trying to eat. I stopped imitating to breath. I sinked back in my chair as I slipped away back into my head. Back into my sub conscious. I still have him in my mind. I felt every time we held hands replay in my mind. Almost a year and I'm not yet over him. Can you say pathetic?

Ta-da.

A very detailed description of maybe two minutes at my class party. I should write a book.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. Check out my new blog. I uploaded new pictures.

New Blog!

I made a new blog just for my works. Go check it out. Its called...

The Beauty in the Eyes of the Beholder

I hope I linked that right o-o

Love now and always,
~Bekki

Snow

The snow doesn't melt when it falls on me. I look deader then usual. I don't feel cold though the people around me are bundled up. My friend would occasionally lean over and brush the still frozen snow fakes from my hair and shoulders. People stare at me. People think I am strange. I am strange. I'm dead.

Sorry for that moment :) I just felt like writing differently. The frozen moment in time, if you do pardon my irony, is during my little brother's football team. It snowed in Louisiana. Isn't that wonderful :) Maybe we will have a white Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas go listen to Last Christmas by the amazeing band Busted. Comment what you think of them if you haven't already heard of them :)

Speaking of Christmas on a very off subject by that, I cut my hair. Heh. No pictures of it, but I do have a few new pictures for you dorks. They, however, will not be posted on this blog. I am haveing a new blog for just my creations. I don't know what the name of it will be yet so keep watch for it.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. I will still be posting here, I just want to have a blog just for creations and things.

New Moon

I saw New Moon today...

Not enough topless Jacob :(



To much drama crap :(



More topless Edward then I ever wanted to see >=O



Ugh, to much of Edward and Bella have mental sex >.>



All together to much of Bella and her man voice o-o



And am I the only person who thinks they need to higher a different actor to play Bella vampire then Bella human?

But overall I'm glad I saw it.

:)

And I'm working on a dorky outfit picture.

For now I have this.



And this.



Notice my eyes are drawn on xP

Love for now and always,
-Bekki♥

A Quicky

No not sexual you pervert. Just a quick update.

My homecomeing dress :)



My new dress from Hott Topic :)



My Aaron <3



My new saying- "Smile like an idiot, live everday to its fullest, dream like tomorrow may never bother to come, and we can all live forever." -Bekki


New picture



Thats all for now.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. Say whats that sound? Thats my heart beat, its getting much louder. My heart beat, its stronger then ever. I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive.

Dead-beat Homecoming

You are seeing the steady decrease in my posts!!!

But greatfully I've gotten emails from 4 new people who came across me on Google.

Google stalks me xD



God I'm cool xP

So yah, homecomeing is soon DD: I hate dances. I never get asked. And I always wish I do. I never get asked to dance. I can't dance. I can slow dance. But I can't dance normally. I bought my homecomeing dress, which I will upload later, its really pretty. I'm going to wear heals, without falling! Kittys my date! xD Just a little joke. Kitty'll probably get asked a few hundred times. Lucky. Yah, I'm jealous of her. :'(

I thought about asking Daniel if he would wanna come over here and be my date. I decided I'm to ashamed. Plus I think he got a girlfriend. So sad :/

Thats all cool though, you wanna know why? I'm dead. Nothing can hurt me now.

Thats a lie. Everything hurts me.

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥

Dumb

I was thinking about writing a book. I think its a good idea. The edge to it I was thinking would be about a girl in highschools whoes a mute. Or dumb. But shes not really mute, but when she was little her mother had screamed at her after she witnessed her mother cheating on her father that she was dumb, she couldn't speek. And she was forever mute from the trama. She carrys around a notebook at school and scribbles down words when she wants to talk.

Yah, thats all I got. Any ideas email me.

littleblackpanda@yahoo.com

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Friends

I've been brainstorming for this blog since last exams. Yah, long time. Haven't got around to it...until now!

Duh duh da daaa!!!

I present to you my out look on so called "friends"

You reading this, yah, I don't care who you are or if this offends you. You are not my friend. I don't care if its Sarah or Kitty reading this. You guys aren't my friends either. Think about it. When was the last time you spent any time with me other then school. Not for a school project. That didn't really count. Times I've hung with Kitty and Sarah are...

Sarah: One time over here working on our bible project which was a fail. One time I purposely met her at the movies, she was with some party. Kitty was there too.

Kitty: One time over here working on out bible project. One time I went over to her house to study for a big science exam. And one time I ran into her and Sarah and the movies on purpose while they were there with some other friends. Oh, and crave (youth group) last year. But that kinda didn't count either. But yah.

So yah, they are my "school friends". Meaning we interact at school only.

So I guess thats it.

Damn it I thought I could squeeze alot more out of that.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Happy Halloween

Its halloween =D Yah, I've been looking forward to this all year. Then I relized I have no real friends o-o I guess I'll just walk around with my mom x.x FMD (f*ck my dead).

I'm being Cleopatra for Halloween ^^ I'll post a picture later tonight as well as another post I've been meaning to get around to. But now, my mother is yelling. So goodbye.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Yah, she threw a cup at me. F*ck her too.

Long time much?

Sorry sorry sorry sorry, I could type sorry a million times and you still would now know how truly apologetic I am. Oh, and before I forget a lovely man/boy/thing emailed me with words that made me smile. So I figured I put that out there. Thank you David you made my day. Or rather nights x3. So yah, school sucks. Especially since I can't get anything lower then a C or no phone and I think my mom would put me in lock down. Or a mental hospital ^^. So updates: Randy is an ass, I might like a guy named Jacob Cookie, Sarah is weird, I mean, er, I love Sarah? (=P you know its true, you love me too), Kitty is okayish, and I'm still lonely as ever. Me updates: I dyed my hair, I got new glasses, I found my ring, I figured out how to make these amazing little bracelets out of electric tape, and I hate this keyboard.

That's pretty much it.

Oh, and I have a research paper's rough draft due tomorrow... I haven't even started the body yet. Yah, epic fail, I know.





Yah, I'm amazing. Pshyah, I know. =/ Failage. Major failage.

Love now and always,
Bekki♥

Unknowing Long Distant?

So I'm sure I mentioned I had not seen Daniel in person for awhile. I figured we would hang out once we started going out. He forgot to mention a tiny detail he lives about an hour away now. What crap o-o I may add more later, but this keyboard is a pain and its slightly late.

Love forever and always,
~Bekki♥



I volenteered to help paint kids faces at this thing called Gator Fest. It was a cherity thing for suicide prevention and mental diseases. It was kinda personal to me if you know what I mean. Well thats me painting my evil little brothers face. Hes a bully.

Thoroughly Embaressed

I dumped Daniel today. He totally embaressed me Wednesday night. After he asked me out a couple of my friends looked him up on myspace because he does not go to school. How loverly it is to be told by your friends his myspace is covered in pictures of him and his girlfriend in whom he never left, and shes his number one friend. I'm not even in his top. I called him, left a voicemail dumping his sorry ass. He called back, I told him it was over. He asked if we could still be friends. NO WAY! I have a bs meter my friend, and you make it scream.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥



Hehe

The Difference Between Life and Death

This is an image that I have no edited to make it look pretty like I normaly do. You can obviously see its of Sarah and Kitty. Sarah is the living one and Kitty is the dead one. You can plainly see the difference. I would have used a picture of all of us but I can't seem to find on. But you see why we look so different now.



Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Pictures of me, dead as ever

Dead as ever, this is just a few snapshots of me.






And I am totally into photography. This is a picture I like that I took about two weeks ago.



Thats all.

Oh, and Daniel asked me out about half an hour to an hour ago. I said yes... This might end before it even begins though...

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

"It leaves your gums, slips down your tounge, and travels down right towards your lungs"

Emo Girls Are Hot!

I'm sick of people posting and generalizeing all emo girls. I'm very emo and very girl. And no one has ever fallen for me like guys posting on the internet do.

Quite frankly I've been dumped for being emo. Because I require attention due to the fact I'm suicidal. So yah. Make sure if your totally into "emo" girls your serious, not just because they're "hawt" cause that genteralization kinda of hurts. If you want a "hot emo" girlfriend so bad please make sure you plan on helping her through depression as well.

Me personally would love for a guy to give me a reason to live (hypothetically speaking). Because when I was alive, no one would step up to the plate.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Kitty Update

I'm almost worried about kids from school reading this o-o So yah, I might have to delete it or something. =/

Anyways Kitty and Sarah came over today ^^ so heres some pictures (none of me =/)











Hope you enjoy them =D Please don't steal them though <3

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥

Cry me a river

Avril Lavigne is my hero o-o Just thought I'd mention that ^^ By the way, if you aren't already inlove with them. Black Veil Brides. The lead singer Andy Sixx is amazeingly hawt. As soon as I can Ima do a fan art of him and load it on here. If you haven't relized I have a picture of me on here. The banner is infact me =D Ben-Ben took it while I was walking so I played with it on a photo editing program =D

Anyways...

I'm ignoreing Randy =D Ima ignore him for a couple more weeks before I let up. He totally has been depressing me. And depression is the last thing I need at this point.

I'm dieing my hair black. I'm thinking of black (which will fade to dark brown) with some nice medium brown layers and highlights (which will fade slightly lighter). But I want to layer them in razor cuts to make the layers a little more blendy standing out though. Any ideas send me a picture or link =D I could really use the help. And I'm hopeing I can talk Kitty into comeing over to help me with my back. Its annoying me I can reach back there very well since death...

So this is a more lengthy post and I'm proud of it...

So Ima get back to that life I don't have :)

Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

"Laying here
Alone I fear
Afraid of the dark
No one to claim
Alone again"

Such abuse

Randy Wade Layman, I figured I've left a long enough gap between post =D so I might as well do a quick one about Randy. Randy is abusive! He's the only person I think who can give a dead girl a bruise DD: Thats right. I have a huge bruise on my left knee. And it totally hurt! Yea. For real. He didn't even feel bad! And he took back his bracelet DD: I had been wearing it for a week <3 And I didn't steal it! He let me =O Everyone was talking about it. "Is he dateing that dead girl?" I was like "Cool =D."

Haha!

Love for now and always,
~Bekki Bell

The flu

The flu is spreading around Louisiana =/ Totally sucks. I have it. Kitty had it. I dunno what Sarah had but she had something. Yah, so I'm dieing. No pun dudes. I just can't get out of the habit of saying dead. But yah. I layed in bed all day today DD: Got to skip school though :D Yah, they're thinking bout closeing the schools down cause of such a wide spread. They're trying not to, but what good is a school being open if no one is there?

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. Yes, Randy is fine. I just haven't really talked about him lately.

A brand new scar

A nice pretty slit below where the doctors usually draw blood from. Gonna have to find a new way to hide these things since this school doesn't allow hoodies... Meaning behind it? I couldn't get a hold of anyone to distract me... I bled too... I'm kinda proud of myself. I found my diary from forever ago =D Its cool. I also finally completed editing the photo abulm from 8th grade... If I get any request I'll scan one up. It will also be the first picture where you can tell I'm dead in...

Speaking of dead people's pictures. With a smile I present to you Kitty.



Death only enhanced her beauty...

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Things are getting better

I fell inlove with a guy in 7th grade. His name is Daniel (real name, cause nick names are for people I actually care if other people know). Many months ago me and Daniel got into a fight. Why you may say. Why, why, why. Why is the million dollar question. And I'm going to answer it. Basically he told me him and his girlfriend had broken up. And I didn't quite believe it was true. So I asked her. He got pissed at me for not trusting him. And we haven't talked since... Until tonight. We made up ^^. Its fantastic. Oh yess ♥ So thats it really. Hes my emo lovey bear. And I'll steal him from his girlfriend...eventually...

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. Don't bug me about this post in anything but the comments below. I promise it won't kill you. ♥



Revised on August 29th, 2009 at 12: read below:

So instead of clearing what I already wrote or starting a new post I decided to shuve all this together since its on the same topic. Daniel. I could totally spend forever with him. But I'm not going to. He does have a girlfriend, even though he talks crap about her more then anyone else. But he will not leave her. Though I don't blame him, cause I'm not all that great =/ But point being. He is an unrealistic crush. Meaning its never going to happen. Because quite frankly hes on the dick-head side. Calling him that might have a little bit to do with the fact he called me last night. Told me he'd call me right back. And never did. Gee, thanks. As if my self esteem didn't suck already.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. I've got a crush on a guy at school :) His name is... We're gonna call him Bennie. ♥

Update on responses

Do not bug me in text messages, emails, IMs, myspace messages, or in person about my blog entrys. Unless its personal. Then you can email me. I do not want to discuss this in IMs though. Or myspace messages for that matter. You leave a comment if you want to say you like it or something, kay? It won't kill you I promise.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Kitchen

I'm no longer allowed to go into the kitchen unsupervised any longer. Funny story actually. I took a knife and dragged it down my leg v.v 7.5 inches long. About an inch deep at the deepest part. A little less then an inch of course. I was limping today at school. Many people would be whineing that it hurts. I see it as I'm recovering a little more. Enough to limp after getting hurt. For many of you who actually know me you'll probably yell at me later for not telling you =3 Sorry? I only told Randy anyways. I saw no reason to tell anyone else. But yah x3. I don;t really want to discuss why I did this. Because its very personal. Basically we'll just say I was depressed enough to do it, kay?

So my friend, to be called Aaron (best I could think of), thinks I have depression issues... Do I? I don't think I do. Actually I probably do. x3 But it makes me special, right?

Not really.

So I miss Tommy. If you don't remember who Tommy is you should probably scroll down. We haven't talked since August 8th. No I'm not one of those creep who counts the days. I just remember it cause he called me cause he knew he wouldn't be able to on my birthday. So yah. And it was the day after my first day of high school.

"And know that I don't hate you, and know that I don't want to fight you, and know I'll always love you. But right now I just don't..."

I dunno. I really like that song by Relient K. Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet. I also like Lollipop by Framing Hanley. And for you who automatically assume I'm talking about that... I think its Lil Waynes(?) version... I'm not. This is a much louder version <3 Of course I also absolutely adore Dave Days' version. Thats one of my goals in life (you know what I mean) by the way. To give DaveDays' a hug =3.

Cause I'm a nub like that!

Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

You Belong With Me

Hey. I know like no one reads this. But Ima see if I can get this amazeingly talented guy more subscribers. Cause I love his song. I actually went through the bother of downloading them xD Cause I'm weird like this.

You Belong With Me (guy version) click here
His channel is here.

A close friend originaly linked me to him =D.

Actually the only reason I continued to watch his video is because he reminds me of an older version of my dear friend Kitty's little brother Cullen.

Naw, but it reminds me of Randy =3 Not that he would ever say anything like that, but hes the only one who really knows so much about me and all. Actually I got a new knife story to post later. Yah, I'm makeing up for my days gone =3

Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

I'm sorry

I haven't had time to write up a lengthy good post. High school sooo sucks. And I really didn't want to have a short stupid one. So instead of just typeing up a short one I decided to say I'm sorry. I'll try to do on updateing you on Randy ;] We're getting super close <3>

Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

P.S. If you want to hear my view on a specific topic email me at littleblackpanda@yahoo.com, kay?

Kindergarden...

You know kindergarden is a very crucial time because its when you learn your social skills. Theres a reason even when I was living I was a social outcast. All the way back in kindergarden is what actually began to cause it. No one talked to me. Just no one did. I was completely ignored always and everyone ignored me. Enough so that I used to think I was an alien and thats why no on would come near me. I used to lay in my bed and hope the mothership would come back for me. I never really found out why I was so brutally ignored. I just was. And thats how it was.

So I don't have the basic social skills. So I never made friends really. I've never hung out with Kitty or Sarah outside of school. I have a few guy friends but none are really close. They just come and go. So I don't know the basic things people think everyone was born with. Like flirting, basic communication, how to properly to my make up or even buy and wear clothes. That why I'm such a social outcast.

See its not really my fault I'm this way. And I'm not to blame for suicide. Anyone who goes through so much neglect would have tried too. When it brings you so much regret to continue breathing because you know your just a burden on other people's lives...

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥

Over it?

Randy... Hes a true piece of work. Hes the only person that has ever treated me the same even though I'm dead. I mean Sarah is amazeing and all. And truly supportive since my return. But shes kind of... pitting to much. Randy doesn't pitty me for a second over anything. Not really. He doesn't hang onto it. He moves on and ignores it. But he still completely ignores me at school. I don't know. I told him that I like him. He totally ignored the fact that I said it. Well kind of. First he asked why I like him. I told him I refuse to feed his ego. Then we started talking about music... He still talks about this girl, we'll call her Amy for now, constantly. I told him in hopes he would at least stop talking about her. She doesn't even like him. She wants nothing to do with him... But he still talks about her. I'm hopeing to get over him. Since its obvious I'm dead and hes living and its impossible... I stopped feeling after that though. I was getting better with smells, taste, and touching. But I just kind of lost it. Like theres not as much will behind trying... Its truly sad. And Its killing me. He sat next to be at carpool and I tried not to look him in the face. I just looked down and bit my lip. I stopped imitateing breathing to. It seems so pointless now. Its better just to look dead I suppose.

I'll due another post on a thing that really killed me when I was younger. Kay?

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Birthday

I'm now 14. Alot of people are pissed at me though. They keep saying they thought I was 14 now 15. I think they assume to much then blame me. So yah, so far. My birthday sucks. I'm not haveing a party to save myself the disipointment. I was supposed to hang out with my little sister and my other friend (maybe). But my little sister forgot. She went to her friend's, we'll call her Natalie, house or whatever. She didn't even say happy birthday. She didn't come to my last birthday either. She had Natalie over. I'm texting Randy. This guy I new forever ago started talking to me on myspace. We were texting earlier. I didn't tell him I was dead. He doesn't live near here anymore. He doesn't need to know.

I'm home alone. I don't know where my mom went. My dad took my brother some where. I don't feel older. Tommy was supposed to get on today to wish me happy birthday. Something tells me he forgot. Oh well... Its typical. I ate this stuff called "pink fluff" I made. I think I could taste it. But normally taste is just a memory. I bit my finger hard enough last night that my mom noticed. She made me stitch it up. I doubt it will heal. But it never hurts to try.

So my birthday isn't going along so great.

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥

Family Problems

My family is one of the many. I think my brother is the cause of it most of the time. Dad yells at Mom. I hide. Mom starts crying. Dad sits by me. He swears and complains. Mom goes to room. Brother hides with Mom. Mom calls Dad an ass hold. Dad calls Mom a bitch. Its a never ending cycle. I text Randy. We talk about music. He ask me whats the problem this time. I tell him. I cry. He makes me feel better. I smiles a bit and curl up in bed. Randy tells me his favorite song. I blare it. He says hes sorry its happening. He says its not true what they say. I smiles and say thanks. We text till late. He says happy almost birthday. I whisper I love you. But he can't hear me...


Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

Love at First Sight

There is no such thing as "love at first sight". There is lust at first sight. But love is a deeper conection then something you can know by simply viewing someone. It in an un eraseable fact. Love is something you can just take away. Love is a permantent mark you make on someone. Weather they feel the same way or not. Love is the hardest thing to forget. Love is permanent and un eraseable.

Example:

My friend Kitty. I love her. I'm not inlove with her. But I would do next to anything for her. Same thing with Sarah and Randy. I love them. They're all I have to hold onto. No fight could ever tear it away. No amount of rejection Randy could give me would stop me from doing everything in my power for his happiness. Thats why I'm okay with us ignoreing each other in public. I would do the same for Kitty or Sarah in a heartbeat. Thats how love it. Doing absolutely anything for one another. Weather its a friend or family. Its an un eraseable fact. Its unforgetable.

Lust on the otherhand. Is lasting only a short time and is easy to forget. Its something that quickly happens and quickly ends. Its part of life. Its something everyone will feel. Its how you handle it that defines who you are. Weather you give in and are captivated by it being "love" or if you see through its insecurity and don't react stupidly apon it.

Your voice is the enemy of yourself. For so many stupid unthought out things are spoken. So many hurtful things that you don't relize. Things that may cause emotional distress to another. Which they may act stupidly on. Like takeing a cup of mixed pills. Or anything at all. Don't let your voice take control of your life. Think before you speak. And speak slowly but surely.



Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

Walking Disaster

I haven’t been home a while
I’m sure everything’s the same
Mom and Dad both in denial
And only jokes to take the blame
Sorry, Mom, but I don’t miss you
Father’s no name you deserve
I’m just a kid with no ambitions
Wouldn’t come home for the world

Never know what I’ve become
The king of all that’s said and done
The forgotten son

This city’s buried in defeat
I walk along these no-name streets
Wave goodbye to home

As I fall…

At the dead-end I begin
To burn a bridge of innocence
Satisfaction guaranteed
A pillow-weight catastrophe

Our own mission now
here bound
Inhibitions underground
A shallow grave I
Have dug all by myself

And now I’ve been gone for so long
I can’t remember who was wrong
All innocence is long gone
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief
Where I belong

A walking disaster
The son of all bastards
You regret you made me
It’s too late to save me
You regret you made me
It’s too late to save me

As far as I can tell
It’s just voices in my head
Am I talking to myself?
‘Coz I don’t know what I just said

And she said
As far as where I fell
Maybe I’m better off dead
Am I at the end of nowhere
Is this as good as it gets?

And now I’ve been gone for so long
I can’t remember who was wrong
All innocence is long gone
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief
Where I belong

A walking disaster
The son of all bastards
You regret you made me
It’s too late to save me
To save me, to save me, to save me

It’s too late
It's too late

To save me, to save me, to save me, to save me

And now I’ve been gone for so long
I can’t remember who was wrong
All innocence is long gone
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief
Where I belong

A walking disaster
The son of all bastards
You regret you made me
It’s too late to save me

I will be home in a while
You don’t have to say a word
I can’t wait to see you smile
Wouldn’t miss it for the world

I will be home in a while
You don’t have to say a word
I can’t wait to see you smile
Wouldn’t miss it for the world

Watch the video here.

Got the lyrics from here.

I am very emotional to this song. From begining to end. I love the ending though. I remember running when I woke up from my death. I remember hiding at a park I used to play at. I sat there on the swing in just a towel. I remembered everytime I had been there. I sat there for hours. And waited for the sun to come up.

Hair

I hate my hair. I think its growing even slower since I died. I really need to dye it. My mom wants me to wait. But I don't want to. Its this orange pink blonde thing. And I have dirty blonde roots growing in. It looks so retarded. But my mom thinks if I dye it again my hair might fall out. She said I should save up for a wig so I don't have to dye my hair everytime I get bored. But I don't like wigs. They're way to expensive and the only one I've ever seen that I like I can't find anymore.

I like scene hair. But not wild scene hair. More of a layered puffy look. Not the extreme. I wish I could find I site with decent chep wigs. I like sinthetic hair better then human hair. Human hair makes me feel icky. Thats why my extensions are sinthetic.

If you know a wig send me a link to it for sure.

Love now and always,
~Bekki♥

Tell Him How You Feel

She wants me to tell him how I feel. The she in this sentance is Sarah. My dear friend but she is so stuborn and dempt on getting me and this him figure together. The him in this sentance is Randy. Yes Randy hes in this thing again. I was actually planning on not writeing about him. Some how I got sucked it. Lets call it his deadly charm.

Seriously. Its deadly. And it will be the death of me. Well second death. Hmmm. I miss being alive. For the sole purpose its harder to type this way. But hey. At least my fingers aren't stiff like most differently biotics out there.

Back on task. My dear living Randy. We text always. Except the past two days because I let my phone die and haven't charged it. Even the dead are lazy. I tell him everything that I tell no one else. And he tells me stuff I doubt he tells other people. You know how guys are.

Randy and I have built a friendship I am happy with. We have this trust thing. And I see it as it bonds us together. I would never tell a soul his secrets. Living or dead. Or undead for that matter. Ha. I made a funny. Yah shut up only your mum laughs at you jokes.

So Sara. Shes nice. Different. But nice. Her and Kitty are good friends. She was the first to accept both of us after we came back. A true angle for the dead she is. Ha. That was a joke to. Like the angle of dead, angle for the dead. No. Joke fail. Shut up v.v

Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

The Night I Died

I decided it would be okay to do this entry. I don't like talking about it. But I've heard shareing it makes you feel more "open".

So here it is.

I was about to take a shower. I was looking around on my counter for something to hold my hair up. I found this head ache medicine and got side tracked reading the back warning lable. Only take one and keep them separated some two hours from the last. If not something about it makeing your blood turn green that proves to be fatal. I looked at my anti depresants and this other medication my Dad bought me to help the voices subside. I poured them all into a cup and went into the shower setting the cup on the side of the tub.

I went about washing my hair and body as normal stareing at the cup the whole time. I think I was crying but I'm not sure. Finally I sat down letting the warm water roll over me. I looked down at the scars on my wrist. They looked so bulgey and pathetic. I put my hand in the cup and took a pill and swallowed it. Then another. One after another until the cup was empty. I took a drink of water and stood up. I ran my fingers through my hair to make sure there was no soap still in it. My vision was begining to blurr. I washed my face. As I rinsed it I was begining to feel dizzy. I held the side of the tub for support. Then I fell over. I was laying in the tub as I began to stop feeling the warm water. As I began to go numb.

I closed my eyes and thought about my birthday which was the day before. I thought about what high hopes I had for it. And how no one showed up. How my sister had ditched me because he friend had spent the night that night. It was begining to get hard to breath. My head felt like it was on fire. I thought about everyone who had ever rejected me. I laied there wishing that this would give the time they had wasted on me back. I thought of what a good deed I was doing. Then I relized. Is it worth it?

Thats when I died. I saw no light. Only darkness... I watched myself turn to gray in a dark nothing space. I felt my heart stop beating. I felt my blood go cold.

Habits

I have an aweful habit. When something is about to happen I put every ounce of hope into it. And I always get let down and cry for days.

Example:

Eighth grade graduation. My juinor high put alot into it. We had a ceremony, a dinner, and an after part. The dinner was a formal dinner at a really fancy place. And after the dinner we were gonna go midnight bowling. I got this pixi style long strapless dress and extentions for the dinner. My dress frayed and I didn't notice how raggedy it really looked until after I was at the dinner. And my extentions looked aweful.

This guy, we'll call him Erin, made fun of me constantly. Hes Randy's best friend. He didn't stand up for me once. I let my heart fall... When I came home before going bowling I changed into this cute outfit. A corset I got from hott topic and these dark skinny torn and faded jeans. I put my black jacket on and left. I got to the bowling alley late. But with high hopes. Everyone had a lane already. There was no room for me. I stood there for about 45 minuets waiting for someone to say something to me after fetal attempts to say hi to my dear friend Kitty... But even she turned me away.

I couldn't believe no one would talk to me. Not even my so called "friends" would look at me. I went to the bathroom and cried my black eyes out. I cried in there for 1 hour and 15 minuets until my mom was there to pick me up and found me in there. People from my class even came into the bathroom. Heard me crying. Ignored me. I came out with a black tear striken face. Heart broken and lost. My mom led me to the car. About a month after that she bought me anti depresants...they never worked for anything but suicide.

Love for now and always,
~Bekki♥

Battles...

So theres this guy. I've known him for nearly three years. Online though. He lives in Australia. I've had a crush on him for as long as I can remember. Hes always pushed me away though, I could never help it. Well a little over a year ago he said he liked me too. And we've always been like that. Because hes a sexy australian every girl falls for and I'm not good enough.

Today. After I mentioned my birthday and he said he wanted to read my blog. He blew up at me. He told me to block and remove me from hes friend's list. I refused. I was scared that would make it mean forever. So he invited one of his friends to the conversation. His friend called me a fat whore and some other things. When he agreed to what his friend said my heart dropped. If I could I would have thrown up. But I can't eat...yet... So of course after five minuets of him yelling at me to F off and some other things I did as he told me to. I'm so sorry I wasn't everything he wanted. But I can't change me. No matter how hard I try.

When I blocked him. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I couldn't believe it. But I'm still to sad to do anything about it.

To clear something up, because I feel like a whore because of all the "love" in my blog. The 18 year old, we will call him Tommy. Tommy, I don't love him. I was just saying according to Terrel's definition I "love" him. The second guy. The guy I play frisbe with and stuff. We'll call him Randy, kay? I dated him once. I don't know how I feel about him. He was an odd relationship. I never really consider us to have ever dated. We never went on a date. We saw eachother at school back when he wasn't scared to talk to me in public. That came along when I died. I always thought after he dumped me. Maybe when we're a bit older. Maybe we could try again. Obviously thats not going to happen now. But I do love him... I'm just not inlove with him.

This guy. We'll call him Jared. I could have been inlove with Jared. He was talking about comeing to America. He was going to go see our friend who I'll call Perry. But he wasn't going to come see me. Thats when his love proved fake to me. Parry lives a state away from me. Parry doesn't like me much. Because Parry is bi with a gay crush on Jared. So Parry hates me. Because I've always been what stands between Parry and Jared. I would have moved if he would have ask. I would have done anything. All he had to do was ask.

I hear my parents fighting upstairs. And I hear my brother crying... I have to deal with this.

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥

First Day of High School

So my first day of school was...well...pretty bad actually. I got alot of funny looks when I first walked in. And a teacher mistakenly said "Are you sure you belong here" when I showed up on campus. Funny cause I was in the school uniform. I got to a private baptist christian school. I think the vice princapal was makeing a statement when she accepted me. Or doing god a favor. The "teacher's aid" hates me, I know it. She yelled at me multiple times. I do mean yell as in raise her voice. She glared at me too...alot...

My major complaint about the school. When I was alive I didn't regenerate heat at the normal rate as everyone else. Its an actual disorder. So now that I'm un dead I like to try to be like I was when I was living. Maybe it will help me feel more alive. So I wore the hoodie that I bought from my school's store which is the only hoodie you are promited to wear. But I was told to take it off today Monday it will be a dress code vialation...Really?

So I decided its time to talk to my best friend... She died in...Lets call it a mis adventure? Her name is Kitty. Shes undead obviously. We were friends before she died and before I died. She accepted me when I retured and I except her. She is a "fast" zombie like me. We both have no pauses and rarely any when we talk and we can walk like normal people. She might be comeing over sometime and I will upload a few pictures of her.

Love now and forever,
~Bekki♥

Words from Antterrellpegues III

mm.sex..for some people its a pretyy hard subject..sex is like eatin ur favorite chocalate..as soon as u bite into it..it gives u a orgasim...sex..is something people regret doin.but crave it almost all the time..sex is so unique..touchin each other ..warm skin touchin warm skin..getin that special feelin.when u look into each others eyes..when all fears go away...not thinkin wat so ever..just letin ur heart lead the way..its amazin seein ur love mate with no cloths..and usaly the men be the one that takes control..usinpart of ur body u though u was only gonna use for one thing..but now urusin it for two..feelin that effection..not denyin anythin request or suggestion each other say...sex is nuthin with out love..so could it be love or sex?
10:35 PM
i love u bekki
10:37 PM
wat could i do with out u
10:38 PM
ps.ilove u bekki
10:39 PM

Got that last night... Hope you like it. I posted the ending because he'll get mad at me later ^^ Hes delusional though. He barely knows me. I call his love lust. And the fact that I posted that he'll never let me hear the end of. So long for now.

Love for ever and always,
~Bekki and Antterrellpegues♥

Words from Antterrellpegues II

they say we may never know ..wat we have .until we loose it.but how can u find out .when u have nobody
.they say livin life is easy..but diein is hard..i say no u have it backwards..they say u always find person thats just about the same as u.u cant always judge a book by its cover..sometimes i think ..if only i wasnt in this world ..would it make it better?..would people stop killin and rapin..and stealin..would they stop liein ..keep getin heart broken..but all of us may never have a chance to answer them and so we wait ..until.......there is no heaven or hell there is no belief ..there is no color .there is no feelin .no love ...just dark and light...hot and cold..

So he promised to write me another. Its acctually good if you can read his grammar, which I actually have problems doing. Its supposed to be on sex but I think hes just teaseing me. Oh I can't wait ^^

Love for now and forever,
~Bekki and Antterrellpegues ♥

Words from Antterrellpegues

He told me to put an entry with this in it... Not sure if he was serious. He'll yell at me later if he wasn't.




Antterrellpegues:
your are a person that went through a lot of stuff but for some reason i seem to like u..evenin thinkin we r not the same color.dpnt like the same thing..but just becuss we r both humans.i know i only known u for a little..little while..i truly support wat u r doin..u experience something 1 and a million couldnt experience..bein dead.it amaze me how u can be here to tell the story..even know ur still dead..i respect u ..ur pretty cjute and new to stuff..like a new born child that dosent know how to walk.
Antterrellpegues:
i question myself [why am i still talkin to this person after all the stuff she told me]becuss she have balls to say that ..and rare of a person.
Antterrellpegues:
sorry if i sound stupid


I think Ima try to talk him into actually writeing a guest blog sometime. If he agrees there will be a Words from antterrellpegues II. If not there won't be. Whatever ^^

Love now and forever,
~Bekki and Antterrellpegues♥

By the way don't you think Antterrellpegues totally sound like Roman or something? ^^

Love?

Yes I am doing an entry on love. Only because a think my friend said really made me think...

antterrellpegues:
okay love is not about ..i like u ..will ju go out with me..nuthin like ..its not like getin the prettyest person..love is findin some 1 ..thats totaly out of ur lead different thenn ..if u and that person spark something..and he or she understand u..and u get dioferent feelin for that person every time yall speak..love is ..everytime u and that person talk ..he or she always say sometyhing to make u happi..evenin when that person is bein a jerk..u still wanna talk to him or her..
antterrellpegues:
thats love
Bekkeh:
Doesn't make seanse

Love has been a very iffy subject for me. When I was alive I only ever had two real boyfriends. And I've only been kissed once. I got kissed after I died by my dear Ben-Ben. I actually have a picture of it.

He did edit it though. My hair was a lighter red. And my skin is a grayer paler form of that. But I really like the picture. Hes the only guy in the world I think would ever willingly kiss a dead girl. I was so happy to be kissed I think I was floating.

Unfortunately Ben-Ben and I were never together and I would rather not post the two guys names I did date before I was dead because they just might read this.

So on the subject of love. And the defination my dear friend gave me from his point of veiw. I actually have someone who makes me feel like that. But many things would complicate us ever being together.

1) I'm differently biotic and hes is a traditional biotic.

2) I am going on 14 and he is going on 18.

3) He just happens to have a girlfriend who is the amount of perfect I wish I could amount to.

On the brighter side of things I have learned to live with it. Again with that word. Dead with it doesn't sound so right though. Should I just keep saying "life" and "live" even though I'm dead? What do you think? Also, what is your definition on "love" and do you have it in you life?

On another side of this topic I have a best friend. We are really close, but when we see each other in public we just pretend we never talk. Hes popular and I'm dead. I hate that its like that but it is. I can't change it. But I can't help it, when we're together and no one is around. I'm happy. I feel like everything is perfect. Like I'm alive and nothing ever happened. I find it funny though. When we have something on our mind. We like to toss the frisbe while we talk. If you've ever read Generation Dead you will get why I'm such a Pheobe x Adam fan now. Only my Adam still ignores me and I'm not a beautiful living Pheobe. I'm a dead girl.

On a happy note I have totally mastered drinking. Most diferently biotics can't drink or eat. That need leaves them when they die. But I can drink... Though I wonder where it goes. I only drink when I'm trying to piss a living person off or just want to do it. It makes me feel acomplished. And I swear I can feel the liquid run down my throat. Its so cool!

Anyways now that I've taken time out of your life.

Love now and forever,

~Bekki.

By the way because I know hes gonna read this. I apologize for my friends aweful gramar. I hope you can read it... Its not his fault he can't type. Please forgive him... I mean I love you?

Zombi Meme

My Zombie Meme ^^ Told you I'd post it.


1. How did you die? Over dose in the shower

2. How long have you been gone? Almost a year... Died the day after my thirtenth birthday

3. Death age/true age? 13/13 Turning 14 August 9th

4. What do you miss most about being alive? Nothing

5. What, if anything, is cool about being a zombie? Everything. I love my eyes, I love my hair. My skin looks the same though

6. How did your family react to you coming back? Not so good, yah know

7. Most humiliating moment as a zombie? I bit my thumb hard enough to peirce the skin without knowing it until some girl on the buss across from me screamed... Not allowed to ride the buss anymore...

8. Visible signs of zombiism? My hair is lighter, but my skin looks the same though. My eyes are beautiful though. They're white but with a little blue and gray

9. Goals/ambition? To find the love I never had when I was alive

10. "If I were alive today, I would..." I would have died the exact same way...

So there ^^

Read the original here. ***click***

If you are another differently biotic girl or boy you should fill it out to if you already haven't. And send me a link so I can read it ^^.

Love forever,
~Bekki♥

Storms

So its storming here. With thunder and lighning. And I'm totally scared of thunder and lightning. Life sucks. Or rather dead sucks. Hmmm I wonder how one should phrase that. Hehe. So I decided I want to list all forms to comunicate with me. Cause I love friends. Though I must say I don't get along with girls very well. I don't really know why. But if you wanna try thats cool.

I have MSN which is strawsrant@hotmail.com

I have Yahoo which is littleblackpanda@yahoo.com

I have Myspace click here.

I have Youtube username is hihipeoples.

Hmmm what else is there... I will reply to all comments, unless I don't feel the need to.

My username here is Bekki, duh.

My username here is LilMissPanda.

Okay so Ima talk about the last site. Because the only reason I put it up there is...well just to do it. And my best friend is the site owner (who frequently lets the server crash). And I luffer him so much. Its a role playing game (rpg for short) and its really fun. Its not really big or anything so I don't get overwhelmed by it. And its decently maintained so I can bare it (unlike a certain site which will remained un named *cough*therealninja-rpg.com*cough*).

I get on Yahoo enough to post it without saying you might have to wait a week for a reply. I get on MSN just about everyday. I'm kind of straying away from Myspace though. No one really messages me on there anymore :'( I rarely check my inbox on YouTube though. As for the last two I get on them constantly. But currently CoF (www.chains-of-fate.com) is down cause my friend let the server crash again. By the way, pay no attention to my technical talk. He probably didn't let the server crash, and the server probably didn't crash. I dunno what happened so I decided to call it that.

So I dunno... I'll post my Zombi Meme later...

Introduction

Hello my name is Bekki. I am 3 days away from being 14. I died nearly a year ago. Yes died as in I was dead and now im UNdead. Like zombie *grrr*, differently biotic, living impaired, dead head, corpsicle, whatever.


I have an older brother and sister and a little sister. Johnathan, Keagan, and Michii. Johnathan rarely speaks to me, my little sisters grandmother won't let her come near me. But my big sister Keagan still love and cares for me. My parents threw me out when I came back to life because of how I died. Which I will tell you later ^^.


This is me after my big sister (who I will show you later) bleached my hair, put my extensions on me, put tonz of make up on me to give me color, and dressed me in her clothes. I couldn't believe it was me when she showed me it. Of course though my friend Ben-Ben did edit alot for the color in my skin cause Im sooo pale.

This is my sister Keagan, she is absolutely stunning. Be jealous! =P

I actually don't have any pictures that I am comfertable shareing over the internet of my big brother Johnathan or my little sister Michii so you will have to go on wondering
I'll post my zombie meme thing I got from this wonderful site here.

Traditionally of differently biotics alike should join that site. It is amazeing in every way imaginable. And I told you to. =P

On the note of that site you should also go read Tommy's blog if you don't already. Click here.

By the way if either of those sites don't work I would love it if you did me a favor and mention that when you comment. Cause you know your going to.

Well if I don't get side tracked there should be a new entry here every day or every other day. Depends on how busy I am after school starts tomorrow.

I will do an entry on how my school handles a differently biotic girl though. ^^

For now and always love,
~Bekki♥